I'm going to talk about something that previously has only been discussed with my boyfriend and a couple close friends of mine. I don't know if any of my other friends that coparent or even have weekend visitations experience this but it's something I have been struggling with ever since I moved out on my own.
I feel like my daughter hates me most of the time. Now, I was ready to feel like this when she was a teenager because I remember how much I fought with my parents and yelled "I hate you" at both of them and was just generally a terrible hormonal mess. However, I wasn't prepared for my daughter screaming and yelling and running away at the sight of me every time I pick her up from the sitter when she's only two and three years old. She is currently being watched by her aunt during the day and every time I pick her up without fail she throws a fit and screams for her dad. I can see the tantrum start as soon if my car pulls in if they happen to be playing outside.
This makes me feel a variety of ways. One, it hurts. A lot. Two, I feel guilty. Obviously I'm doing something wrong so that she never wants to be with me as much as her dad. And three... I get pissed. I'm not going to lie. I get angry. I have sacrificed more than I can even say (as any mother should) for my family and it sometimes it makes me so angry that not only is it not appreciated but I'm greeted with screams and tears and "go away" every single day. I know it's not logical. I know it's not even very mature. But it's real and it's what I go through on the days that I have Sophie.
I'm not saying that the entire time we are together she cries and wants to leave because that's not the case. As soon as we get home she's just fine and all smiles and "I missed you's" and we're good to go. But you better believe she's going to ask me at least twice when she's going back to her dad's house. And you know what? I get it. I was a daddy's girl. Not only that but I mean who can really blame her? I have a tiny apartment, her dad has a house with a yard. At my place it's just me and her. At his place she has him, her stepmom, and her brothers that she adores. Not only that but I'm the "bad" parent that took her tv away and replaced it with trips to the park and the zoo, crafts, books, and play time. I feel like my love and attention from my daughter is based solely on what I can give her because let's face it. Toddlers are selfish and shallow. They're children. They don't know any better. All she knows is that I don't give her as much as her dad does and Mommy sure isn't scared to say no. That's what sucks about trying to be a good parent. You always risk making your kid mad. I don't really care because I would rather her be angry with me and still learn more and have more experiences than have her glued to the tv holding my hand.
I honestly don't even know how to end this blog because tomorrow it's going to be the same thing over again. I'm going to pick her up, she's going to throw a fit, and then I'm going to spend my entire weekend with her asking when she goes back to her dad's house.
Cheers, ya'll.
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