Help, I'm addicted to makeup

Anyone that really knows me knows that I have a serious makeup addiction. Example: when my son was born last August I stopped and put on some makeup once I realized I was in labor. I did this for two reasons. The first being that I knew I had a LONG time before that baby was going anywhere and second that I like to feel good about myself. Silly, I know. I don't do it for anyone but me so I think that makes it okay. "Beating my face" gives me the confidence to do what I need to do.

The next day I had to wait to go visit Asher in the NICU (to make sure my fever was gone) so I decided that I would do my makeup again. Yes, I brought my whole kit. My mother-in-law walked into our maternity suite to see me in my bed and makeup spread everywhere. She laughed and said that she was not at all surprised.

I don't like to spend money on myself but there are two things I'll pay good money for: tattoos and eyeshadow. I like higher-end eyeshadows because they are worth every penny and that's the thing I use the most so I need to get my money's worth. Anyone that has tried to blend a smokey eye with a powdery, barely-pigmented eyeshadow probably feels my pain. Everything else I tend to buy on the cheap. Lipstick is usually Maybelline because their matte line is AMAZING. Primers, setting sprays, and eyeliner are usually from E.L.F. I looove E.L.F. because their products are CRAZY cheap and very good quality. Plus, they are cruelty-free which is a huge plus.

I just wanted to share one of my new favorite brands with you guys. I found them on Instagram and I could have spent hours watching their videos. They have so many gorgeous eyeshadows and lipsticks but one of the things that they do best are glitter and highlighter. Highlight is my true love. When I go outside, I want to blind someone. Sadly, good highlighters can be pretty pricey. However, last year I stepped into an Ulta (big mistake) and saw that they were having a sale on a brand called Makeup Revolution. Of course I had to scoop about three different highlights into my basket and OH MY GOD YOU GUYS. For just $7 I had the most beautiful highlighter I have ever seen, and that includes my ABH Glow Kit! Just to clarify, they have a baked line but their strobe highlights are amazing. Northern lights is my absolute favorite. It's a duo chrome in green/purple and the shine is BLINDING.

Okay, so ignore how absolutely beat this looks and just check out that shine. *swoon* I just wanted to share this with you guys! Let me know if you've tried any Makeup Revolution products! 

A day in the life: Chronic Illness Edition

 I started this post 3 months ago when I was still struggling to balance work/school/children/home/marriage but as most of you things have gone downhill since then. It was a full schedule packed from 7:00 in the morning to past 10:00 at night. Now? Not so much. I don't love being on the go at all times but I did love that I had goals and I was absolutely killing it as a mother, student, and employee.

 I really wanted to share this because I feel that some people don't realize how much my life has been affected by my illness. I feel as if I'm not being heard by my numerous health care providers so here I am-- shouting into the void of the internet in the hopes that someone will read this and either understand or maybe learn something.

 1 in 10 women have Endometriosis. Most of these women are sick for several years before they are diagnosed. I won't speak for everyone but in my experience, most doctors like to say that I just have acute PMS symptoms and it's totally normal. To these doctors I would like to ask: Is it normal for a 26 year old woman to not be able to walk for more than 5 minutes before experiencing pain? Is it normal to hurt so badly every single day that eating is a struggle (because I'm too busy getting sick)?Is it normal to experience acute blood loss for 5 weeks straight? I had so much blood loss in the months after my son was born that I was told if I bled for an hour more I would have needed to receive blood. Did they act like that was an issue or even KIND OF a big deal? If you guessed "Nope" then you win a prize.  How about the fact that I can barely hold my 4 month old baby? My son that loves to be rocked to sleep... I can't do that. Ask my husband. Don't even get me started on what this has done to my  marriage. Not that Joey isn't an amazing, supportive angel (as always), but there are many things we can't do anymore. We plan our outings around how long I think I can manage before I run home to lay on my heating pad.  I have basically bailed on anything social for a while now. The worst part of it all is that NO. ONE. CARES. I don't mean no one as in whoever is reading this. I mean no one like my OB. My primary care provider. My therapist. The specialists I have reached out to. I either get no answer at all or a pat on the back and a condescending smile. Even though I've been a patient for four years now at OB/GYN, they acted like I was a drug addict when I finally asked for pain medication to help me cope. I've been asking for a solution rather than something to treat the symptoms since day one but I think we all know I was playing the four-year long con in order to get drugs, right?

So now my day in the life looks like this:
Take care of the baby, cry, sleep, clean, cry some more, try to play with my children, cook dinner, wait till the kids go to bed, and then sit on the couch with Joey and CRY.

Every single day, all day I am experiencing a pain level similar to what I felt in the early stages of labor--between "maybe we should go to the hospital" and "GIVE ME THE EPIDURAL".
I have tried yoga, meditation, heating pads, exercise, begging for surgery, literally crying in my doctor's office and telling him that I am most definitely NOT OKAY and so far I have gotten zero help.

I had to take my health into my own hands and leave my position at the library so that I could try and minimize my pain due to the high activity level of my job. I only worked part-time and even that was too much. I can't begin to explain how much it broke my heart. I know a lot of women would be over the moon to be able to stay home with their children but I am very passionate about my library, my programs, and the teens I worked with for almost two years. Not to mention my coworkers. I stopped in today to bring them donuts and  hugs and as soon as I walked through the doors I could feel the tears in my eyes. It was an exhausting job even when I was healthier but it was one that I was happy to go to every day.

Right now, my options are limited. I am taking 9 supplements a day in order to try and get through school now that it is back in session. I can't run. I can't play. I can't pick up my children. I can barely have sex with my husband. I want my life back.

If you know someone with endometriosis please, please do not think it is just like having a "bad period" because while PMS can definitely be debilitating and awful, I have never experienced anything like this and every single day I hope to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

How to have a wedding for $5,000 or less

When Joey and I got engaged, we knew one thing for sure: we didn't want to spend a ton of money. We wanted this to be special, but more like a party than a wedding. With some thriftiness, a lot of work from us and some family members, and not caring too much about being fancy, we were able to have a wedding for 150 people that cost us just around $5,000. Here's how:

The bride:

My dress came from David's Bridal. It was on the final sale clearance rack. Cost: $500
Veil: Bridal Exchange (a consignment shop) Cost: $80
Shoes: My shoes were a pair of black flats I had purchased from somewhere like Walmart about 2 years ago so they were old and broken in. I bought some Modge Podge and glitter from Amazon and then finished them off with a clear coat of Modge Podge Finishing Spray. Final cost: $20
Flowers: All of our flowers came from the Dollar store except for the Tiffany blue ones. We could only find those at Hobby Lobby. My grandmother did all our flowers with the help of a florist. I think all around they cost about $100 (this includes the flowers for centerpieces. I also purchased these at the Dollar Store).

Bridesmaids:
My bridesmaids all ordered their dresses from Amazon. We found some beautiful lace dresses for around $70. The exact item we ordered is no longer listed but I did find a similar gown here:
https://www.amazon.com/Miusol-Womens-Casual-Sleeveless-Vintage/dp/B00ZWSEGFK/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1498575405&sr=8-1&keywords=bridesmaid%2Bdress&th=1

Again, those are Dollar Store flowers. Not too shabby!

Flower Girls:
We hit the jackpot with custom made flower girl dresses on Etsy. Guess how much they cost?!?!?
Guess!

.... $40. And they were SO CUTE.
Joey's mom bought the girls' shoes so I honestly forget how much they were but they were some super cute sandals from Penny's that were on sale. The baskets and flower petals I purchased on Amazon. Cost: $15.

Groomsmen:
Joey got a great deal on his tux! I think he paid like, $10? This was at Louie's Tux Shop. My brother got also his Tux from Louie's. So did all the Groomsmen (that's why he got the deal) Everyone spent just under $150. Shoes were purchased through an awesome friend so we got brand new Converses at a discount. I bought my brother's pair so I could steal them after the wedding MWAHAHAHA.

Look at those shoes!

The Ceremony:
Our venue was the History Center in Downtown Fort Wayne. I cannot overstate how amazing this place is. The guy in charge of reservations (Steve) was SO accommodating and friendly. He basically told us we had the whole day even though we only had the place booked for about 4 hours. Cost: $400
They provided chairs which we chose not to rent covers for because ain't nobody got money fo' dat. The room was beautiful to begin with so we didn't feel the need to add much. I did decide to purchase an arch for us because I felt like we need something to focus the room. I looked online and found wedding rental websites where they had some tacky-ass arches for upwards of $200. Nope! I turned to Amazon again and purchased a white arch, three different slips of gauze in our colors, and a rope of LED lights. Joey went out and purchased some more flowers (which he literally duct taped hahaha). Final cost: around $35
We also had a small table with a picture of my grandfather on it. The table was borrowed from a friend.

The Reception: 

Our venue for the reception was amazing as well. We had it in the Tiger Room at CS3 aka Calhoun Street Soups, Salads, and Spirits. It only cost us $350 and that included the price of the bartender! It was for at least 5 hours but they basically said we could stay until their bar shut down. This price included the bartender fee and table cloths. The catering cost us about $1000. This was food for 150 people including appetizers

Our centerpieces were liquor bottles that we have been saving over the last few years. Thanks to me being a crazy lady we started saving them before I even moved in! I straight up told him "We need to save these for our wedding." I guess it speaks to our relationship that neither of us questioned the fact that we were both getting married someday. 

Centerpiece and wedding favor

Our wedding favors came from Amazon. They were skeleton key bottle openers. Cost: $40 for keys and $10 for the tags.

Our wedding cake came from a local bakery called Sweets So Geek. It was a Game of Thrones themed cake with dragon eggs on top. Cost: $160
We also had cupcakes that were from another local bakery but I don't know the cost because they were a wedding gift from one of my besties <3

Everything else:

Our officiant was Joey's sister. She got certified for the ceremony online. Our close friend Ramon ran the sound at the ceremony. A longtime friend from home was our photographer. I cannot overstate how amazing she was (look at the pictures!). Cost: $1000

If you want to check out her website go to https://www.alexwrightphotography.com/

Our DJ was a good friend, Crystal. She. was. AWESOME. She helped us run the reception as far as timing everything because we had no idea what we were doing. The music was amazing and she was a great personality to have running the show! Cost: $600

All in all, we were very lucky. Joey's mom, my grandmother, and a dear friend helped alleviate some of our costs because they knew we were doing this thing on our own. With some thrift and not caring too much we pulled off (in my humble opinion) a pretty awesome wedding!

Endometriosis/PCOS

Infertility issues seem to be things that are always happening to someone else. That is, until they happen to you. I had never even considered what it would be like to not have a child whenever I wanted considering the fact that at 19 I got pregnant after missing my pill once.

While I don't have a tumor (yay), I do have several blood filled cysts on my ovaries that grow, disappear, and then grow back. I also have some serious scarring on my uterus. My OB told me that within the next year my chances of becoming pregnant are going to shrink. For now, I will be taking Low Low Estra, which will stop/lighten my periods and hopefully minimize the damage while I step back and consider my options. I'll also be taking my results for a second opinion with my regular doctor, but as of right now I have limited choices for any future child bearing.

Honestly, I feel like crap right now. I have been tired from working two jobs and on top of that I have serious pain and hormonal issues because of my endometriosis. I have been struggling with weight gain and skin problems since it all started, and I don't know what my next step is.

As of right now, I'm trying to take it one step at a time. Joey has been a huge help, and as usual I don't know what I would do without him. We are going to see what my doctor says and how everything looks in March when I return to my OB. I'm hoping that somewhere in the next few years I have a tiny bundle of joy to look forward to, but I at least for now have a solid support system and a good friend that has been in my shoes.

So I have this bum ovary...

Warning: I'm gonna talk about my cycle a bunch so if you're a dude and don't want to read about my period, stop here.

I haven't had a period since late May/Early June. I honestly thought that I was pregnant or that my body was just tired of me being on the pill after 7 years but I started having a ton of pelvic pain and finally landed in the emergency room on August 5th. They informed me that I had ruptured a cyst and that there was a mass of them on my right ovary. They suggested I see my primary care physician ASAP.

Last week I went to my doctor. She informed me that I do in fact have some cysts. She also informed me that I have a fairly large tumor on my ovary. I'm assuming it's benign, because so far no one's dropping the C word. I've had a ton of lab work done, and they plan to send it off a biopsy after my surgery. Usually they do that first but either way it needs to go so I'll know more after the surgery.

Right now my biggest concern is how this tumor has been affecting me. Not only have I stopped ovulating, but I've gained 15 pounds out of nowhere. I was a size 7 last year. I'm a size 11/13 right now.

NOT. COOL.

I see my obstetrician on Friday and I'm hoping to schedule my surgery for as soon as possible after that.
My biggest hope is that I start ovulating again. I'm terrified I'm going to lose my ovary, but I do have another. I'm just hoping my cycle gets back to normal because I'm sure everyone reads this knows how baby crazy I am. The good news is that baby #2 isn't even being considered for a few more years so I have plenty of time to get everything back to normal.

Wish me luck!

Purple hair, don't care.

Most of you probably know that I took the plunge and went from my signature red hair to purple (and then purple and magenta). I have only been wearing this new 'do for a couple weeks and it's already starting a strain on me. 

I've always gotten a little negative attention as a woman and a mother, but most of those came from my tattoos. I was outright called a slut at the local YMCA pool in front of my then three year old daughter. To be honest, I'm not sure if it was because I was the only parent there in a two-piece or that combined with the 5 or 6 tattoos I had visible at the time. At Sophie's ballet class I was wearing a maxi dress and both my shoulder tattoos were visible. Not only did I get numerous dirty looks, I had a woman actually pull her daughter away from me and then proceed to glare at me for the duration of the class.

Now that my hair is purple I have been called an attention whore, I've been followed around Barnes and Noble and then subsequently searched as I tried to leave, and I had a man assault me at the library. The library incident was the worst as the man followed me all the way to the back of the reference section and then he proceeded to grab me and say "Mmmm" before I could away. When I found security and they escorted him away I was told that maybe I should consider my appearance next time. I was wearing a work tank top and shorts at the time, so I'm not sure what part of my appearance he thought was to blame. 

While I have gotten an overwhelming positive response from friends and strangers alike (Shout out to Katie Sturgill for working her magic), my hair is bringing me a shocking amount of negative... crap. I can't think of what else to call it. I shouldn't be surprised but I am always shocked at the attention and reproach that my appearance brings. The worst is that most of it from women, the overwhelming number of those are other mothers. They stare at me and my daughter as if they would snatch her away if they could. Clearly all this bright hair and ink means I am in no way capable of being a good mother. I mean I must have spent my morning doing something heinous rather than cooking my baby a pancake breakfast and making sure we cuddle in our pajamas as long as possible before starting her home pre-schooling lesson for the day. Right? 

I suppose all I can do is keep being a positive influence on my daughter and maybe those that we encounter that think I must be a terrible person will see how much I love her and how hard I try and maybe they will learn a lesson or two about shallow judgment and manners. 

Weekend update

We had a super busy weekend this week. We had a rough week previously with Sophie because she hadn't seen her dad in five days and was being very mean towards Joey and I. She wanted nothing to do with us. She only spent two days with her dad before I picked her up on Friday and I was honestly dreading it. But when I got her she was super sweet, and remained that way most of the weekend.

Saturday we woke up early (even Joey!) and had pancakes and bacon. We had planned on seeing our friends at Buskerfest but it was cancelled due to the super storm that damaged most of the town. Instead we opted for a family movie date to see Inside Out. Sophie and I LOVED it and cried like babies. So good. And after my recent love affair with The Office I was delighted when Joey told me that Phyllis was the voice of Sadness.

Sunday consisted off and eggs and toast breakfast and then heading to Fox Island for some water fun. It was so beautiful. Sunny and 75. The water wasn't too cold for swimming and Sophie got to break out her sand toys. Besides the trek through standing water and being attacked by mosquitoes on our way back to the car it was a great trip. We stopped at Scotty's Brewhouse on the way home for lunch (Sophie LOVED IT) and then grabbed some coffee and headed home to watch a couple episodes of Scrubs before we hit up the park. Sadly it was flooded but Rose had a great time and we got to walk around the rose gardens and admire the flowers. Rose loves the rose gardens... HA! I'll shut up now..

Anyway, it was a pretty good weekend minus some minor grumpy moments from the krakken. I'm looking forward to even more fun this weekend at home in West Virginia. Can't wait for my mom to pick us up!

Weekend Update

Herro! I haven't done a weekend update in forever so I just thought that I would share!

Friday I picked up Sophie after work and we headed home for dinner. She pestered me about s'mores for a few minutes before giving up and watching some PBS until it was time to eat. Saturday morning we woke up and had some eggs and toast for breakfast. The only positive side to Joey sleeping in on the weekends is that Sophie and I get a little girl time. She's finally eating lately and that morning she had three pieces of toast, two eggs, two gogurts, and an apple. She was still asking for more when I drug her upstairs to get ready for the day.

Once we decided Joey had had enough sleep I told Sophie she could play in her room as loud as she wanted while I did my makeup. ;P Joey had to run to the mall to get fitted for a tux for a friends wedding. Sophie LOVES the mall. The mall means books, cake pops at starbucks, Chik-fil-A, and "escavators". She also loves the little rides throughout but I think she's getting a bit big for those.

She loves the simulated "coaster" ride at the mall. 

Robbie had Sophie Sunday, so we ended out the day with some laziness on the couch watching Paddinton Bear. I was hoping for a zoo trip or maybe a trip to Fox Island but the weather just wasn't cooperating. There also might have been some twerking at one point while Joey played guitar, but I'm not going to confirm or deny that. I'm trying to convince her that ballerina dancing is best.

Sophie and Joey cuddles might be my favorite ever. 

What do I want to be when I grow up?

Lately I've been struggling with the fact that I have been in college for 3 years now and I feel like I am going nowhere. I originally started out with high hopes of a Master's in medical technology so that I could go on and work in the field I'm most passionate-- biology and genetics. However I had to quickly make a decision. Could I handle the next 6 years working and going to school full time, only seeing Sophie for about 2 hours a day? The answer was no. Maybe if I was a 'normal' parent but at that time there were weeks when I only had her 2 days in a row. There was no way I was going to spend 4 hours a week with my child. I had to pick something else and fast. So here I am, 3 years later, about to graduate with my CMA. My big dreams of being a research scientist quickly faded into that of a medical assistant.

Let me be clear, I'm not bitter. I don't resent Sophie or feel that she has taken anything away from me. Rather, everything I do is for her. Even if I one day have some medical job that I hate it will be well worth it to know that I haven't missed out on these precious early years with her.

Right now I'm debating on whether I even want a CMA job. I have a great job here at the daycare and the best part about this place (other than my boss being my best friend) is that I have room for personal growth. I have the time (most days) to put some thought and effort into other projects if I feel the need to. I think for the next few months I'm going to put my precious free time into taking some writing courses and pursuing another dream of mine. I have wanted to be an author since I was young and have been writing short stories and poems for years. I think it's time to try and make that dream into a reality. I want to feel like I've done SOMETHING with my life and made some type of mark on this world, and I just feel like nothing I do as a medical assistant is really going to fulfill that urge.

I'll definitely still finish out my schooling, but after that I'm not really sure what's going to happen. In the meantime, I think leaving the job that has had my back for the last four years any time in the foreseeable future would be a huge mistake. Look at these cute faces. I just love them.

Life update/Why I'm an idiot

As all my Facebook friends are aware, I'm fighting issues with my back again. This is now including trips to an orthopedist and probably impending surgery. On top of my back pain progressing I have lost feeling and function in my left leg. I can still walk fine. Unless I exert myself too much then I start walking like a pirate with a pegleg. The stairs in our home are becoming a real bitch lately. My biggest wish is to have one pain-free day. Just one. I feel so bad for Joey because right now I feel like all I do is cry. Every single evening I lay on our couch or in our bed and cry because I can't take the pain anymore. However, I have hope that they will figure everything and that maybe soon I'll be feeling like a normal girl my age.

While I was worrying about surgery and the time off work a week or so ago, Joey kept trying to stop me from spazzing. As always. I worry about everything all the time. Once I cried because I was thinking about "What if Sophie got into an accident when she started driving?" I know. I'm a psycho. This time I was trying to figure out what in the world I was going to do if I had to take two months off of work. Joey kept telling me not to worry, we don't even know if I have to  have surgery yet and if I do then we will figure it out. He kept telling me not to worry and I kept telling me that I HAD TO. I looked at him and said "You don't understand, I'm a single mom, I can't NOT worry about being out of work." He shook his head and said "but you're not a single mom."

Now, I didn't forget that I was in a relationship for the past year, but we have only been living together for a month or so now. Not that he hasn't always been there for me because he absolutely has from day one but I'm just now realizing that I'm not a single parent anymore. I have an amazing, strong, sexy, funny boyfriend but I also have a partner now. Someone to rely on. I've never had that before. Sophie has always been my family but we are finally a complete family unit. Our moving in early happened so fast that I haven't even had the time to appreciate this fact and realize that I'M NOT A SINGLE MOM ANYMORE.

I'M NO LONGER THAT STEREOTYPE AND I HAVE SOMEONE TO FALL BACK ON.

Like I said. He's always been there, but somehow us living together as a family has made it so much more real to me. The day after this happened I pulled into our driveway, stared up at our house in our gorgeous neighborhood, thought about the places I've lived in the past 4 years (always alone) and I just started bawling. I'm so incredibly lucky and even with all this pain I'm experiencing I know that no matter what he's going to be there for me and I couldn't be anymore grateful.

(Now excuse me while I go cry some more tears of joy)

Sophie is going to be a big sister!

I'm not sure how many people know, but Sophie's stepmom is pregnant with a baby boy and is due in May. We are pretty sure he is going to make his arrival this week though, because she lost her mucus plug (I know, gross) the other day. Sophie has been talking about her baby brother non stop since they found out and she will NOT stop bugging me about THOSE BIRTH CONTROL PILLS I take and how she needs a baby sister.

Before you ask, I had to take her to pick up my prescription once and I try to be honest with her always so when she asked I explained to her what they were. Worst idea ever. EVER.

Anyway.

I feel so bad for her because I know how hard it was on me when my little sister was born. I was the baby of three and suddenly I was one of the dreaded middle children. Thankfull after a couple weeks I fell in love with my baby sister and wanted to be with her and help all the time. I can only hope Sophie does that well.

My biggest concern right now is that Sophie's dad already doesn't have much time for her lately. We haven't had a set schedule in MONTHS and I hate it. Joey and I have to cater to  his schedule because her stepmom's pregnancy has been super rough and Sophie's dad is a police officer with a rotating schedule. What sucks though is that on top of his job, the hard pregnancy, and everything else he is trying to sell his house and I find him putting other things before her. I'm not criticizing, but it's been rough. He has had her only one day a week several weeks in a row and has been canceling/switching days around a lot lately. It's been hard on her and hard on us as a family because our schedule was erratic as it is and now she has no idea what's going on. I wish that we could be a normal split family so much, and that she could just seem him on the weekends, especially now that he has so much on his plate. It's only going to get worse when the baby comes and I hope that he finds a way to make time for her, or to let me set a normal schedule where she is with me and Joey most of the time and not bouncing around from house to house on random days. The worst is when I absolutely PROMISE that such and such day will be the day she sees her dad finally and then he turns around and has to cancel. Once again, not criticising, but it's hard on us both. And I hate having to cater to someone else's life for their sake and not mine or Sophie's. I always try to do what's best for her and not me but right now I feel like she and I are doing what he thinks is best and it's not really benefiting anyone but him. I hope we figure it out soon.

Just wanted to get that off my chest. Here's to hoping the nugget and I will have things back to normal. I can't wait to see how happy she is when she finally gets to hold "her baby Noah".

And then there were 5!

Sophie and I were planning on moving in with Joey next month, but due to my roommate unexpectedly bailing and me being terrified of all the shootings on my street we have been living there for a few weeks now and I couldn't be happier.

For some reason Sophie always hated her room at our house and would never sleep there. Now she has her very own "big girl" bed and some awesome shelves for her books and her own little space. I love it, and she definitely seems to. I can't even remember the last time she had a night terror.

Nugget's room!

Added bonus, I get to see my man's handsome face every morning and every night. I've been waiting for that for a while now. I love him so much. Not sure how he puts up with me, but he does. :)

Job update: I'm back at the daycare part time. It's been nice finally working again and even nicer to have a job to go back to that feels almost exactly like coming home. The dogs drive me batshit crazy but I think everyone knows my love of puppies and my love of my boss/bestie and my coworker/bestie. I'm pretty lucky all around it seems. I'm going to be staying at the daycare until I graduate next year, especially since Kim will basically be gone in September once she starts school. Ugh.

Oh, and everyone probably knows this already but I cut off all of my hair! I can't believe how short it is. Two years ago I would have never thought to cut my middle-of-my-back length horse mane. Honestly (and this might be TMI) I feel WAY sexier with short hair than I ever did with long hair. It's boosted my confidence so much. That and working out every morning with one of my good lady friends.

My second day with short hair, out to see the Easter Bunny at JP with Sophie's bff's

All in all, big changes but I'm hoping that that's all the change I have right now. Last year was so hard, Sophie and I had to move like 3 times. But we finally have a home now with Joey and Carlos and we both could not be happier. I'm glad I wasn't able to talk him into a new pet because with us 3 and the 2 animals we have quite the big family now. I'm still going to bug him for pets though.

Fuuuuuuuuuu.....

So I haven't blogged in a while. I haven't had much to say. I've had a lot of stress and anxiety lately.
It's all my fault of course. Mostly.

I quit my job. Walked right out, and blocked the number of the office and everyone that worked there.

That maybe doesn't sound like a big deal, but to a single mom that's currently responsible for not only herself but her child, dog, roommate, and roommate's dog... Well...  Because of course my roommate quit too. We worked together and to say that the environment was hostile would be an understatement. Not to be crude (like I care) but at one point I was called a "fucking retard" and so was she. That wasn't even the worst of it. Now she can't find a job and I can't lose my house so... Yeah. Thankfully I had some money saved. Money I had other plans for, but whatever.

Of course right before this happened my car broke down completely and was going to cost more than it was worth to fix so I have been car-less for several months now. Tomorrow I will be the proud new owner of.. Some car. Idk. It's silver? Sophie's stepmom had to buy a van so I'm taking over the payments on her smaller.. Thing. I forget what it's called. It's a car, and it's newer, and yay! Everyone wins.

Right now I've got a few things lined up. I'm being considered for a few jobs at Parkview, I'm waiting to hear from Robert Half, and I ALSO APPLIED AT THE ZOO AGAIN. THIS YEAR THEY HAVE TWO ZOOKEEPER POSITIONS AVAILABLE.
Sorry. I spazzed. I would love to work at the zoo even if it means a serious pay cut from what I was making before. Whatever. Giraffes. GIRAFFES. I'll find something.

In other news, Sophie and I are moving in with Joey and Carlos in May. Yay! And to those of you thinking "She's moving again?" Yes. I am. I don't like it, Sophie doesn't like it, Rose will hate it, but the last year has been incredibly rocky. I didn't ask to move 3 times in a year. Really, I didn't. I can't wait to live with Joey though and finally have a HOME with him. We have held off for an entire year because we plan on taking our time with every stage of our relationship. I've had people make comments, mainly saying that we must not be all that serious about our relationship if we don't live together yet but I say that that is insane. A year isn't long at all. I can't believe our first year together is almost over already. And I'm glad that he loves me enough to want to do things the right way.

All in all, I'm hoping that all these new things we have in store will turn out for us. I know Sophie is so excited to move. She loves her room at Joey's. For some reason she always hated her room here on Webster and never wanted to sleep in it. We are converting the bunk bed in the guest room to an awesome bed/ fort and I'm going with a subtle Cinderella theme so that if we DO have guests that actually sleep upstairs instead of crashing on the couch they won't be bombarded with an overwhelming Princess theme. But Sophie's still going to have a sweet tulle bedskirt that I plan to make by hand. Yay tulle!

The downside of Co-parenting a toddler.

  I rarely get excited to pick up Sophie anymore.  That's a lie. I'm always excited to see her, but lately when it comes time for me to go pick her up I get more anxious the closer I get. I get angry, sick, and nervous each day. I am hopeful, but I try not to let my hopes get too high.

    In the past few months Sophie has been asking for her dad. A lot. That's nothing new, she's a daddy's girl. I was too (and still am, love you poppy!). I know I tortured my mom when I was a teenager saying that I wanted to live with him and not her. I expected this type of thing as soon as Sophie and I moved out on our own. What I didn't expect was for it to start so soon.

    It probably sounds like I am whining about nothing but it's just been getting worse and worse. Now when I pick her up she is usually screaming and crying before I walk in the door or she starts when she sees me. I get a lot of "I don't want you, I don't want to go with you!" What breaks my heart the most is when she asks to go "home". My house isn't home to her. If she's not screaming, the second I get her into the car seat she asks when she's going back to her dad's. I tell her, and then she asks again when we get home. Then again at dinner. When I put her to bed. When we wake up the next morning she asks if her dad is picking her up. Apparently she does the same thing to him, but she wants to see her grandma.

   Honestly, it breaks my heart. It wears on my patience with her, and I have found myself snapping at her for things that are usually easy for me to correct or discuss with her. I try to be cuddly, to engage her, but mid-conversation the question always pops up. "When am I going to daddy's?". I have to hold her and stroke her hair and rock her as she cries for him, almost every day. I know it's because he treats her like a princess, literally. And it's not that I don't spoil her but I do have different standards in my home that she seems to think are unreasonable and harsh. The biggest issue is the fact that I won't put a TV in her room and let her watch it all night. Rules like that make me the bad guy and of course she would rather be with him. I'm not saying that he is a bad parent, he has his reasons for everything the same as me (the TV helps with her night terrors, but I prefer to give her music). I am just saying that a child her age is only worried about getting what they want and to her I am not as fun, apparently.

    Sometimes I really feel like I have to choose between being a good parent and being loved by her. I always take her places and spoil her when she deserves it, and we always try to get out and do stuff but my at home rules are enough to send her running at times (like not needing cartoons on all day). Right now I've reached the point of saying "Screw it. I'd rather be a bad guy to her than a bad mother." I refuse to have a spoiled kid! So she's getting some tough love along with plenty of cuddles when she allows it, until things settle down.

I love her even when she breaks my heart 

I'm back, bitches!

That's probably a pretty inappropriate title for a blog that's supposed to be dedicated to parenting and my adventures in singlemomhood but I'm very excited to be back after a whole month. I finally have internet again! To those of you that don't know, I moved. Yes, again. I won't be moving again for a while. We live in a real house now! A HOUSE. I'm so excited. I love it. The living arrangements we had weren't working out very much. I will never share a room with Sophie ever again. Rose was miserable too. It sucks, because I miss Wes and Lindsey. However, my best friend of 17 years finally moved here and now we live together. And work together. But that's another story.

I have so much to talk about I don't even know where to start. I guess I'll start with my job and discuss the rest in another post. I got a new job! A grownup job where I can't nap and watch Netflix. (sad face). I'm working at a pain management clinic now. I started at the front desk and now I'm working in the back prepping charts and such. I'm so glad they moved me because for the first three weeks of my job I was sobbing hysterically the whole way home. If you don't believe me, ask Joey. It was awful for many reasons. The main being that my new coworker and I were given a workload that we couldn't possibly finish each day. And although we were told "Hey, I know this is impossible but you should still try" by the staff we still got reprimanded for not finishing.

On top of that, the patients that we deal with are... different. They are either genuinely in pain or just looking to score some pills. Whichever it may be, there are a lot of grumpy patients to be had. I've been screamed at, cussed out, threatened, spit at, and all kinds of things. I have seen grown adults sigh, roll their eyes, and cuss at me for the smallest things such as asking to see their ID. I like helping the people that really need it (and you can tell who they are) because they are genuinely grateful to be there and are the sweetest people. I was brought to tears by a woman who had been beaten by her husband and broke down and told me what happened. After she described it she asked me "Do you think I'm ugly? Do you think anyone could love me?" It killed me.

Now, I'm stuck in a back room with just me and some charts and some music. I definitely like that much better. I can't wait to finish school and start being able to really help patients rather than just checking them in.

This is going to be difficult...

Normally I blog, not to complain, but to share my problems and difficulties with other moms out there so that they can relate or even give me some solid (and much needed) advice. Today I'm going to write about something, and I honestly don't know if anyone of my other moms out there are going to relate to this. I'm sure most of you might shake your heads at me. Regardless, I'm going to share it, and anyone who reads this is welcome to give me their input.

Today, we're going to talk about religion.

I've been an atheist since I was a child. The idea of God just never rang true to me. I would be in church thinking "Really?" When I was about 17 I moved in with my aunt and was forced to go to a hardcore Southern Baptist church at least three times a week. At that point I decided to "try harder" with religion. I prayed all the time, read the bible several times over, was involved in several youth and bible study groups... Still nothing. Although I loved all the people I went to church with, I still wasn't in love with the church itself. Or its values. I've never looked down on anyone that was religious, it's just not for me.

Now, on to Sophie. She's been going to church with her dad's side of the family for a while now. And that's fine with me. I want her to grow up how I did. I want her exposed to religion and I want her to make her own educated decision without me forcing my opinion on her. I plan on doing so by educating her on the science side of the world and I guess her dad's side can take care of the religion part. I don't plan on telling her my exact feelings on the subject until she is much, much older because I don't want to influence her so young.

However my problem occurs when she asks me things like "Are angels real?" "Are you going to heaven when you die?" "Will I go to heaven?" I'm assuming they are discussing what happens after a person dies in church because yesterday she went so far to ask "What if I died right now?" What am I supposed to tell her? "Well, I personally think nothing would happen but according to your dad's religion you wouldn't be going to heaven because you're not baptized." UGH! I don't want to be talking about these things right now. So far all I've told her is that she should ask her pastor at church. My biggest struggle when she asked me why God made the earth and all the people. It's very hard for me to not to say "He didn't". I'm not even sure if I should try to explain evolution to her, or what. The Catholic faith is embracing it, so she should be able to as well, right?

Anyway, if anyone has an opinion or advice on this, I'd love to hear it. Whether you're a parent or not. This mom just needs some help.

How to date as a single mom

One of the hardest things about being a single parent is trying to have a life. Whether that's just a social life or a romantic one. I am lucky in that my co-parenting schedule has allowed me to keep my social life (and dating) separate from my daughter.

I'm not saying that I'm perfect, or that the way Joey and I do things are how everyone else should do them, but I will say that I'm proud of what we have done over the past six months and how we both handle our relationship.

I hate seeing my friends with children dating multiple guys, bringing every one of those guys around their children, and even allowing their kids to call the guys "dad" after just a couple of months. I'm not saying that they are wrong, just that I don't believe in it. And of course, I only say that because I made that mistake once. Sophie was a baby at the time but we ended up dating long enough that she still remembers the break up. Not good. Not that I blame any girls out there for dating around, we all know how hard dating can be. But not every guy that makes it through the few first dates needs to come home and meet the little.

Joey and I waited until we were together for 3 or 4 months before he met Sophie, and then we had a "date night" every two weeks where we all hung out. Now the schedule is basically nonexistent. Sometimes it's every week, sometimes every two weeks. Sometimes we spend most of an entire weekend together. It all just depends. So far it's gone really well. Maybe too well. Sophie cries for him some evenings and wants to go to his house but I think it's important that we each have our own spaces still. We plan on waiting at least 6 more months to move into together. Possibly a year. I don't plan on having a strict time table for our relationship. I'm just proud that we are taking things slow.

One of our special "dates", during the be a tourist 2014 event

We aren't doing this because things aren't going well. They're actually going very well, so we see no need to rush things. I wish I had somebody telling me this things a few years ago, so hopefully my other single moms will take this to heart. You might think that it doesn't matter because your child won't remember but I'm here to tell you that they will.

You shouldn't approach a relationship with the mindset that the guy is dating you and needs to see your motherly side right away. He needs to see who you are as a PERSON not just a parent. He'll get to see that plenty on down the road. I can't say how many time outs and difficult nap times Joey has already endured. Let him see the real you before he sees the frazzled, frustrated, sticky mess you become around your child/ren. If he's the right guy, he'll love you both ways, and your little one too.

Life Update

I just wanted to update everyone on a few things going on for Sophie and I.

Home life: We're still living with the besty and his lady. Things are going well. I can tell Sophie misses having her own space and having to be a LOT more subdued because I don't want her driving everyone nuts (I'm not sure Wes and Lindsey have developed the tuning her out super power that I have). Overall it's nice though. We have a nice place and good friends. Hopefully in the next few months we will be able to find something for ourselves.

School: I'm on week three at my new school and classes are going well. I definitely have to study MUCH more than I did that last few years but I am taking core classes now instead of stupid gen ed classes that don't require much brain power. I thank my lucky stars every single day for my job and being able to study there. That, and having a boyfriend that is willing and interested to help me study.

Sophie's attitude: I quickly decided against the two week grounding after one of my favorite moms pointed out that I was setting up Sophie for failure. I think at this point she's pushing her boundaries with me and her stepmother has reported negative behavior at their place as well. I've decided that I'm just not going to acknowledge her whatsoever when she decides to throw a tantrum or to be rude. I'm still implementing the "yes ma'am' rule. She has gotten into the bad habit of back talking when I tell her to do something but she's quickly learning that when mommy says "jump" all she needs to say is "how high?". I hate to be so strict as fair as that goes but it worked for me when I had a raging temper and it seems to be working for her as well.

Me being partially crippled: I did a blog a few months ago about my back issues and anyone that knows me knows my back hurts just about 24/7. I went to a chiropractor yesterday and discovered a moderate curve in my spine and some pretty messed up sacral/illiac joints.Basically where my spine joins my pelvis is jacked up. I go back tomorrow for an adjustment. I know it won't get better right away but I'm hoping for some improvement as it's been severely limiting my activity and it hurts like hell.

That's all I can think of right now besides the fact that The Walking Dead starts this weekend. It's my favorite time of year because every Sunday we gather at Jenn's house for TWD nights. Before the show comes on we have dinner and dessert and play with the kids. Then the twins and Sophie enjoy bath time and we usually do a couple books before bed. Once the kids are asleep we turn on the show and I cover my eyes for most of it. It's my favorite day of the week because I get to watch one of my favorite shows with a group of my favorite friends and kiddos.

Parenting Fail, Part One

I'm pretty sure I've failed at being a good mom. I've always considered myself a decent parent. I try to take Sophie places, I'm fun yet firm, I only lose my temper and fall to the ground screaming every couple of weeks or so...

But somehow, my daughter has turned into a screaming, temper tantrum throwing, stubborn, ungrateful brat.
Yes. I just called my daughter a brat.

She's done a complete 360 from the Sophie I'm used to. She straight up tells me no, she throws a fit over everything, and she doesn't listen. When I try to do things for her, they're never good enough. For example, Joey and I took her to Headwaters park to play in the fountain before dinner one weekend. She played and played until she was soaked to the bone and freezing cold. Before we got there she had been asking for dinner so I told her it was time to dry off and head for some food. She immediately started fake crying, loudly yelling, and saying "I NEVER get to play in the fountain! Everyone else gets to play but me!" Joey looked around, looked at her, and said "No one else is here... You're the only kid that got to play in the fountain." It was true, too. There was a walk for Alzheimer's that was going past the fountain and few people quickly ran through but no kids got to stop and play. But did Sophie care? Nope. Logic was not for her in that moment. We were evil and never let her do anything. How dare we?

Needless to say, I have grounded my three year old. I'm not sure how effective it will be, but time out sure isn't cutting it these days. I'm making her a chart with stickers and everything, and she has to go 14 straight days (at my house, not including the days she is gone with her dad) without throwing a fit or saying no or just straight up being a grump. I have also instilled the "yes ma'am" rule that I was made to follow as a teenager. She has no toys, and I've even had to threaten to put her dollhouse in storage (I took the furniture and dolls away, but she still has the dollhouse set up). All she's allowed for the next two weeks are books, coloring/activity books, and music. If she messes up, she starts back at day one.

This might sound hardcore, but I refused to have a spoiled child. I'll check back in once she makes it to two weeks and see how it goes. So far I think she has finally realized how serious I am. We've made it two days and although there were some close calls, she's getting there.

What I learned at RiotFest

Yet another non-parenting related blog post for my "parenting blog"...

Joey and I spent the weekend in Chicago for Riotfest. It was amazing. I haven't been to many concerts in my life let alone a three day music festival packed with some of my all time favorite bands. Some of the highlights for my weekend included Motion City Soundtrack, Taking Back Sunday, Dashboard Confessional, New Found Glory, and seeing a few new bands that I am now in love with including The Mighty Mighty Bosstones and City and Colour.

Motion City Soundtrack. This was probably the highlight of my whole weekend.

GWAR. Scary metal band that sprays blood at you. I never thought I would get fake blood sprayed at me during a concert, and I definitely never thought it would come out of a fake set of boobs.

I learned a few new things this weekend, some about myself and some about my wonderful boyfriend. I've always heard that you learn about your significant other while traveling and I definitely did this weekend. I mostly learned a few new reasons why I love him. The main one being that when he gets frustrated he never lashes out on me but just apologizes for being stressed. At one point we were lost in an extremely terrifying part of Chicago late at night and while I was totally oblivious just trudging around hoping to find the bus soon, Joey was well aware of our situation and was silently freaking out. To clue you in on how bad the neighborhood was, a couple of our friends were also lost there and a cop stopped them and asked them if they knew where they were, telling them to head east and hop on a bus right away.

That might sound like a stupid reason to fall in love with your S.O. all over again but it just reminds me why I love having him around. Sometimes I forget that I'm only 23 (although I'm sure that he doesn't) and I'm much more impatient and high strung when I get stressed. For example, Thursday night I got so freaked out by the fact that a spider was in my car that I snapped at him for no reason when he asked me a simple question. I realized immediately that I was being an idiot and apologized because he had done nothing wrong, but right then I was thankful for the effect he's been having on me. He's much more calm and mature when it comes to things like that and it makes me stop and think about how I'm acting. The whole redhead temper stereotype exists for a reason and I for one and not happy about it. It's something I'll probably be working on my whole life.

It rained all day Friday -_-

I also appreciated how much he tried to take care of me this weekend. Bone spurs in my hip and severe muscle spasms led to a lot of intense pain after walking/standing all weekend. He was constantly rubbing my back while we were standing around waiting for bands to start, asking me if I took my meds, and even skipped out on some plans to take me back to the hotel so that I could rest/soak in a hot bath. He was so sweet and so concerned the entire time. It really meant a lot considering that most people would probably have been irritated or felt held back. I get so frustrated with my back/hip problems because I hate that at 23 years old I can't do things that I want to. I feel like I shouldn't be having these issues at my age but I do, and he is always there for me through it.

The last couple of things that I learned this weekend were that I would never want to live in a big city (I thought Charlotte was big but I was sadly mistaken) and that the manager of The Mighty Mighty Bosstones is my new hero. He manages this band and every show he dresses up with them, goes out on stage, and dances and jumps around the entire time with the biggest smile on his face. You can tell he really loves the music (and who doesn't love some good ska?) and he has no cares about jumping around on stage acting a fool and having a good time. It made my day watching him.