Endometriosis/PCOS

Infertility issues seem to be things that are always happening to someone else. That is, until they happen to you. I had never even considered what it would be like to not have a child whenever I wanted considering the fact that at 19 I got pregnant after missing my pill once.

While I don't have a tumor (yay), I do have several blood filled cysts on my ovaries that grow, disappear, and then grow back. I also have some serious scarring on my uterus. My OB told me that within the next year my chances of becoming pregnant are going to shrink. For now, I will be taking Low Low Estra, which will stop/lighten my periods and hopefully minimize the damage while I step back and consider my options. I'll also be taking my results for a second opinion with my regular doctor, but as of right now I have limited choices for any future child bearing.

Honestly, I feel like crap right now. I have been tired from working two jobs and on top of that I have serious pain and hormonal issues because of my endometriosis. I have been struggling with weight gain and skin problems since it all started, and I don't know what my next step is.

As of right now, I'm trying to take it one step at a time. Joey has been a huge help, and as usual I don't know what I would do without him. We are going to see what my doctor says and how everything looks in March when I return to my OB. I'm hoping that somewhere in the next few years I have a tiny bundle of joy to look forward to, but I at least for now have a solid support system and a good friend that has been in my shoes.

So I have this bum ovary...

Warning: I'm gonna talk about my cycle a bunch so if you're a dude and don't want to read about my period, stop here.

I haven't had a period since late May/Early June. I honestly thought that I was pregnant or that my body was just tired of me being on the pill after 7 years but I started having a ton of pelvic pain and finally landed in the emergency room on August 5th. They informed me that I had ruptured a cyst and that there was a mass of them on my right ovary. They suggested I see my primary care physician ASAP.

Last week I went to my doctor. She informed me that I do in fact have some cysts. She also informed me that I have a fairly large tumor on my ovary. I'm assuming it's benign, because so far no one's dropping the C word. I've had a ton of lab work done, and they plan to send it off a biopsy after my surgery. Usually they do that first but either way it needs to go so I'll know more after the surgery.

Right now my biggest concern is how this tumor has been affecting me. Not only have I stopped ovulating, but I've gained 15 pounds out of nowhere. I was a size 7 last year. I'm a size 11/13 right now.

NOT. COOL.

I see my obstetrician on Friday and I'm hoping to schedule my surgery for as soon as possible after that.
My biggest hope is that I start ovulating again. I'm terrified I'm going to lose my ovary, but I do have another. I'm just hoping my cycle gets back to normal because I'm sure everyone reads this knows how baby crazy I am. The good news is that baby #2 isn't even being considered for a few more years so I have plenty of time to get everything back to normal.

Wish me luck!

Purple hair, don't care.

Most of you probably know that I took the plunge and went from my signature red hair to purple (and then purple and magenta). I have only been wearing this new 'do for a couple weeks and it's already starting a strain on me. 

I've always gotten a little negative attention as a woman and a mother, but most of those came from my tattoos. I was outright called a slut at the local YMCA pool in front of my then three year old daughter. To be honest, I'm not sure if it was because I was the only parent there in a two-piece or that combined with the 5 or 6 tattoos I had visible at the time. At Sophie's ballet class I was wearing a maxi dress and both my shoulder tattoos were visible. Not only did I get numerous dirty looks, I had a woman actually pull her daughter away from me and then proceed to glare at me for the duration of the class.

Now that my hair is purple I have been called an attention whore, I've been followed around Barnes and Noble and then subsequently searched as I tried to leave, and I had a man assault me at the library. The library incident was the worst as the man followed me all the way to the back of the reference section and then he proceeded to grab me and say "Mmmm" before I could away. When I found security and they escorted him away I was told that maybe I should consider my appearance next time. I was wearing a work tank top and shorts at the time, so I'm not sure what part of my appearance he thought was to blame. 

While I have gotten an overwhelming positive response from friends and strangers alike (Shout out to Katie Sturgill for working her magic), my hair is bringing me a shocking amount of negative... crap. I can't think of what else to call it. I shouldn't be surprised but I am always shocked at the attention and reproach that my appearance brings. The worst is that most of it from women, the overwhelming number of those are other mothers. They stare at me and my daughter as if they would snatch her away if they could. Clearly all this bright hair and ink means I am in no way capable of being a good mother. I mean I must have spent my morning doing something heinous rather than cooking my baby a pancake breakfast and making sure we cuddle in our pajamas as long as possible before starting her home pre-schooling lesson for the day. Right? 

I suppose all I can do is keep being a positive influence on my daughter and maybe those that we encounter that think I must be a terrible person will see how much I love her and how hard I try and maybe they will learn a lesson or two about shallow judgment and manners. 

Weekend update

We had a super busy weekend this week. We had a rough week previously with Sophie because she hadn't seen her dad in five days and was being very mean towards Joey and I. She wanted nothing to do with us. She only spent two days with her dad before I picked her up on Friday and I was honestly dreading it. But when I got her she was super sweet, and remained that way most of the weekend.

Saturday we woke up early (even Joey!) and had pancakes and bacon. We had planned on seeing our friends at Buskerfest but it was cancelled due to the super storm that damaged most of the town. Instead we opted for a family movie date to see Inside Out. Sophie and I LOVED it and cried like babies. So good. And after my recent love affair with The Office I was delighted when Joey told me that Phyllis was the voice of Sadness.

Sunday consisted off and eggs and toast breakfast and then heading to Fox Island for some water fun. It was so beautiful. Sunny and 75. The water wasn't too cold for swimming and Sophie got to break out her sand toys. Besides the trek through standing water and being attacked by mosquitoes on our way back to the car it was a great trip. We stopped at Scotty's Brewhouse on the way home for lunch (Sophie LOVED IT) and then grabbed some coffee and headed home to watch a couple episodes of Scrubs before we hit up the park. Sadly it was flooded but Rose had a great time and we got to walk around the rose gardens and admire the flowers. Rose loves the rose gardens... HA! I'll shut up now..

Anyway, it was a pretty good weekend minus some minor grumpy moments from the krakken. I'm looking forward to even more fun this weekend at home in West Virginia. Can't wait for my mom to pick us up!

Weekend Update

Herro! I haven't done a weekend update in forever so I just thought that I would share!

Friday I picked up Sophie after work and we headed home for dinner. She pestered me about s'mores for a few minutes before giving up and watching some PBS until it was time to eat. Saturday morning we woke up and had some eggs and toast for breakfast. The only positive side to Joey sleeping in on the weekends is that Sophie and I get a little girl time. She's finally eating lately and that morning she had three pieces of toast, two eggs, two gogurts, and an apple. She was still asking for more when I drug her upstairs to get ready for the day.

Once we decided Joey had had enough sleep I told Sophie she could play in her room as loud as she wanted while I did my makeup. ;P Joey had to run to the mall to get fitted for a tux for a friends wedding. Sophie LOVES the mall. The mall means books, cake pops at starbucks, Chik-fil-A, and "escavators". She also loves the little rides throughout but I think she's getting a bit big for those.

She loves the simulated "coaster" ride at the mall. 

Robbie had Sophie Sunday, so we ended out the day with some laziness on the couch watching Paddinton Bear. I was hoping for a zoo trip or maybe a trip to Fox Island but the weather just wasn't cooperating. There also might have been some twerking at one point while Joey played guitar, but I'm not going to confirm or deny that. I'm trying to convince her that ballerina dancing is best.

Sophie and Joey cuddles might be my favorite ever. 

What do I want to be when I grow up?

Lately I've been struggling with the fact that I have been in college for 3 years now and I feel like I am going nowhere. I originally started out with high hopes of a Master's in medical technology so that I could go on and work in the field I'm most passionate-- biology and genetics. However I had to quickly make a decision. Could I handle the next 6 years working and going to school full time, only seeing Sophie for about 2 hours a day? The answer was no. Maybe if I was a 'normal' parent but at that time there were weeks when I only had her 2 days in a row. There was no way I was going to spend 4 hours a week with my child. I had to pick something else and fast. So here I am, 3 years later, about to graduate with my CMA. My big dreams of being a research scientist quickly faded into that of a medical assistant.

Let me be clear, I'm not bitter. I don't resent Sophie or feel that she has taken anything away from me. Rather, everything I do is for her. Even if I one day have some medical job that I hate it will be well worth it to know that I haven't missed out on these precious early years with her.

Right now I'm debating on whether I even want a CMA job. I have a great job here at the daycare and the best part about this place (other than my boss being my best friend) is that I have room for personal growth. I have the time (most days) to put some thought and effort into other projects if I feel the need to. I think for the next few months I'm going to put my precious free time into taking some writing courses and pursuing another dream of mine. I have wanted to be an author since I was young and have been writing short stories and poems for years. I think it's time to try and make that dream into a reality. I want to feel like I've done SOMETHING with my life and made some type of mark on this world, and I just feel like nothing I do as a medical assistant is really going to fulfill that urge.

I'll definitely still finish out my schooling, but after that I'm not really sure what's going to happen. In the meantime, I think leaving the job that has had my back for the last four years any time in the foreseeable future would be a huge mistake. Look at these cute faces. I just love them.

Life update/Why I'm an idiot

As all my Facebook friends are aware, I'm fighting issues with my back again. This is now including trips to an orthopedist and probably impending surgery. On top of my back pain progressing I have lost feeling and function in my left leg. I can still walk fine. Unless I exert myself too much then I start walking like a pirate with a pegleg. The stairs in our home are becoming a real bitch lately. My biggest wish is to have one pain-free day. Just one. I feel so bad for Joey because right now I feel like all I do is cry. Every single evening I lay on our couch or in our bed and cry because I can't take the pain anymore. However, I have hope that they will figure everything and that maybe soon I'll be feeling like a normal girl my age.

While I was worrying about surgery and the time off work a week or so ago, Joey kept trying to stop me from spazzing. As always. I worry about everything all the time. Once I cried because I was thinking about "What if Sophie got into an accident when she started driving?" I know. I'm a psycho. This time I was trying to figure out what in the world I was going to do if I had to take two months off of work. Joey kept telling me not to worry, we don't even know if I have to  have surgery yet and if I do then we will figure it out. He kept telling me not to worry and I kept telling me that I HAD TO. I looked at him and said "You don't understand, I'm a single mom, I can't NOT worry about being out of work." He shook his head and said "but you're not a single mom."

Now, I didn't forget that I was in a relationship for the past year, but we have only been living together for a month or so now. Not that he hasn't always been there for me because he absolutely has from day one but I'm just now realizing that I'm not a single parent anymore. I have an amazing, strong, sexy, funny boyfriend but I also have a partner now. Someone to rely on. I've never had that before. Sophie has always been my family but we are finally a complete family unit. Our moving in early happened so fast that I haven't even had the time to appreciate this fact and realize that I'M NOT A SINGLE MOM ANYMORE.

I'M NO LONGER THAT STEREOTYPE AND I HAVE SOMEONE TO FALL BACK ON.

Like I said. He's always been there, but somehow us living together as a family has made it so much more real to me. The day after this happened I pulled into our driveway, stared up at our house in our gorgeous neighborhood, thought about the places I've lived in the past 4 years (always alone) and I just started bawling. I'm so incredibly lucky and even with all this pain I'm experiencing I know that no matter what he's going to be there for me and I couldn't be anymore grateful.

(Now excuse me while I go cry some more tears of joy)

Sophie is going to be a big sister!

I'm not sure how many people know, but Sophie's stepmom is pregnant with a baby boy and is due in May. We are pretty sure he is going to make his arrival this week though, because she lost her mucus plug (I know, gross) the other day. Sophie has been talking about her baby brother non stop since they found out and she will NOT stop bugging me about THOSE BIRTH CONTROL PILLS I take and how she needs a baby sister.

Before you ask, I had to take her to pick up my prescription once and I try to be honest with her always so when she asked I explained to her what they were. Worst idea ever. EVER.

Anyway.

I feel so bad for her because I know how hard it was on me when my little sister was born. I was the baby of three and suddenly I was one of the dreaded middle children. Thankfull after a couple weeks I fell in love with my baby sister and wanted to be with her and help all the time. I can only hope Sophie does that well.

My biggest concern right now is that Sophie's dad already doesn't have much time for her lately. We haven't had a set schedule in MONTHS and I hate it. Joey and I have to cater to  his schedule because her stepmom's pregnancy has been super rough and Sophie's dad is a police officer with a rotating schedule. What sucks though is that on top of his job, the hard pregnancy, and everything else he is trying to sell his house and I find him putting other things before her. I'm not criticizing, but it's been rough. He has had her only one day a week several weeks in a row and has been canceling/switching days around a lot lately. It's been hard on her and hard on us as a family because our schedule was erratic as it is and now she has no idea what's going on. I wish that we could be a normal split family so much, and that she could just seem him on the weekends, especially now that he has so much on his plate. It's only going to get worse when the baby comes and I hope that he finds a way to make time for her, or to let me set a normal schedule where she is with me and Joey most of the time and not bouncing around from house to house on random days. The worst is when I absolutely PROMISE that such and such day will be the day she sees her dad finally and then he turns around and has to cancel. Once again, not criticising, but it's hard on us both. And I hate having to cater to someone else's life for their sake and not mine or Sophie's. I always try to do what's best for her and not me but right now I feel like she and I are doing what he thinks is best and it's not really benefiting anyone but him. I hope we figure it out soon.

Just wanted to get that off my chest. Here's to hoping the nugget and I will have things back to normal. I can't wait to see how happy she is when she finally gets to hold "her baby Noah".

And then there were 5!

Sophie and I were planning on moving in with Joey next month, but due to my roommate unexpectedly bailing and me being terrified of all the shootings on my street we have been living there for a few weeks now and I couldn't be happier.

For some reason Sophie always hated her room at our house and would never sleep there. Now she has her very own "big girl" bed and some awesome shelves for her books and her own little space. I love it, and she definitely seems to. I can't even remember the last time she had a night terror.

Nugget's room!

Added bonus, I get to see my man's handsome face every morning and every night. I've been waiting for that for a while now. I love him so much. Not sure how he puts up with me, but he does. :)

Job update: I'm back at the daycare part time. It's been nice finally working again and even nicer to have a job to go back to that feels almost exactly like coming home. The dogs drive me batshit crazy but I think everyone knows my love of puppies and my love of my boss/bestie and my coworker/bestie. I'm pretty lucky all around it seems. I'm going to be staying at the daycare until I graduate next year, especially since Kim will basically be gone in September once she starts school. Ugh.

Oh, and everyone probably knows this already but I cut off all of my hair! I can't believe how short it is. Two years ago I would have never thought to cut my middle-of-my-back length horse mane. Honestly (and this might be TMI) I feel WAY sexier with short hair than I ever did with long hair. It's boosted my confidence so much. That and working out every morning with one of my good lady friends.

My second day with short hair, out to see the Easter Bunny at JP with Sophie's bff's

All in all, big changes but I'm hoping that that's all the change I have right now. Last year was so hard, Sophie and I had to move like 3 times. But we finally have a home now with Joey and Carlos and we both could not be happier. I'm glad I wasn't able to talk him into a new pet because with us 3 and the 2 animals we have quite the big family now. I'm still going to bug him for pets though.

Fuuuuuuuuuu.....

So I haven't blogged in a while. I haven't had much to say. I've had a lot of stress and anxiety lately.
It's all my fault of course. Mostly.

I quit my job. Walked right out, and blocked the number of the office and everyone that worked there.

That maybe doesn't sound like a big deal, but to a single mom that's currently responsible for not only herself but her child, dog, roommate, and roommate's dog... Well...  Because of course my roommate quit too. We worked together and to say that the environment was hostile would be an understatement. Not to be crude (like I care) but at one point I was called a "fucking retard" and so was she. That wasn't even the worst of it. Now she can't find a job and I can't lose my house so... Yeah. Thankfully I had some money saved. Money I had other plans for, but whatever.

Of course right before this happened my car broke down completely and was going to cost more than it was worth to fix so I have been car-less for several months now. Tomorrow I will be the proud new owner of.. Some car. Idk. It's silver? Sophie's stepmom had to buy a van so I'm taking over the payments on her smaller.. Thing. I forget what it's called. It's a car, and it's newer, and yay! Everyone wins.

Right now I've got a few things lined up. I'm being considered for a few jobs at Parkview, I'm waiting to hear from Robert Half, and I ALSO APPLIED AT THE ZOO AGAIN. THIS YEAR THEY HAVE TWO ZOOKEEPER POSITIONS AVAILABLE.
Sorry. I spazzed. I would love to work at the zoo even if it means a serious pay cut from what I was making before. Whatever. Giraffes. GIRAFFES. I'll find something.

In other news, Sophie and I are moving in with Joey and Carlos in May. Yay! And to those of you thinking "She's moving again?" Yes. I am. I don't like it, Sophie doesn't like it, Rose will hate it, but the last year has been incredibly rocky. I didn't ask to move 3 times in a year. Really, I didn't. I can't wait to live with Joey though and finally have a HOME with him. We have held off for an entire year because we plan on taking our time with every stage of our relationship. I've had people make comments, mainly saying that we must not be all that serious about our relationship if we don't live together yet but I say that that is insane. A year isn't long at all. I can't believe our first year together is almost over already. And I'm glad that he loves me enough to want to do things the right way.

All in all, I'm hoping that all these new things we have in store will turn out for us. I know Sophie is so excited to move. She loves her room at Joey's. For some reason she always hated her room here on Webster and never wanted to sleep in it. We are converting the bunk bed in the guest room to an awesome bed/ fort and I'm going with a subtle Cinderella theme so that if we DO have guests that actually sleep upstairs instead of crashing on the couch they won't be bombarded with an overwhelming Princess theme. But Sophie's still going to have a sweet tulle bedskirt that I plan to make by hand. Yay tulle!

The downside of Co-parenting a toddler.

  I rarely get excited to pick up Sophie anymore.  That's a lie. I'm always excited to see her, but lately when it comes time for me to go pick her up I get more anxious the closer I get. I get angry, sick, and nervous each day. I am hopeful, but I try not to let my hopes get too high.

    In the past few months Sophie has been asking for her dad. A lot. That's nothing new, she's a daddy's girl. I was too (and still am, love you poppy!). I know I tortured my mom when I was a teenager saying that I wanted to live with him and not her. I expected this type of thing as soon as Sophie and I moved out on our own. What I didn't expect was for it to start so soon.

    It probably sounds like I am whining about nothing but it's just been getting worse and worse. Now when I pick her up she is usually screaming and crying before I walk in the door or she starts when she sees me. I get a lot of "I don't want you, I don't want to go with you!" What breaks my heart the most is when she asks to go "home". My house isn't home to her. If she's not screaming, the second I get her into the car seat she asks when she's going back to her dad's. I tell her, and then she asks again when we get home. Then again at dinner. When I put her to bed. When we wake up the next morning she asks if her dad is picking her up. Apparently she does the same thing to him, but she wants to see her grandma.

   Honestly, it breaks my heart. It wears on my patience with her, and I have found myself snapping at her for things that are usually easy for me to correct or discuss with her. I try to be cuddly, to engage her, but mid-conversation the question always pops up. "When am I going to daddy's?". I have to hold her and stroke her hair and rock her as she cries for him, almost every day. I know it's because he treats her like a princess, literally. And it's not that I don't spoil her but I do have different standards in my home that she seems to think are unreasonable and harsh. The biggest issue is the fact that I won't put a TV in her room and let her watch it all night. Rules like that make me the bad guy and of course she would rather be with him. I'm not saying that he is a bad parent, he has his reasons for everything the same as me (the TV helps with her night terrors, but I prefer to give her music). I am just saying that a child her age is only worried about getting what they want and to her I am not as fun, apparently.

    Sometimes I really feel like I have to choose between being a good parent and being loved by her. I always take her places and spoil her when she deserves it, and we always try to get out and do stuff but my at home rules are enough to send her running at times (like not needing cartoons on all day). Right now I've reached the point of saying "Screw it. I'd rather be a bad guy to her than a bad mother." I refuse to have a spoiled kid! So she's getting some tough love along with plenty of cuddles when she allows it, until things settle down.

I love her even when she breaks my heart